Wednesday, December 2, 2009


I hate choices.

They're like those big waves you see off in the distance, you watch it coming and try to brace yourself.

But in the end, you know you're going under, fighting it is useless.

You can put it off for as long as you can, but eventually they come.

And when they do, there's no use fighting it, if you don't swim with it, it's just going to drown you.

Why are decisions so hard? It seems even the simple things are aggravating; do I want chocolate or vanilla? Suddenly the universe is upon your shoulders and the wrong choice could land us all in some freaky alternate reality.

Oh the pressure that comes with making a decision that could decide your destiny.

But what is destiny anyways? It's the prize at the end of our race, right? It's who we're supposed to be and what we're supposed to do, right?

Wrong again!

Ok bear with me with this. God has control of our lives, yes? He keeps us alive, put us here, and knows everything that happens and will happen, yes, yes,yes?

That would mean-gasp-He even knows the future?! Why, yes He does.

It's already happened. Yeah those decisions you have to make-He knows them all. Gods got a plan for your life. So stop sweating it. You didn't get here on your own, you don't stay alive on your own, you know what? You can't do anything on your own.

So what gives us the big idea what we humans can control our lives?

Now this isn't to say that God manipulates us like puppets at all. No, no, no we have this brilliant thing called free will.

Well maybe not quite so brilliant, since it's what gives us all the crap in the world. Oh yeah, that's right. It's not Gods fault all the awful stuff happens out there.

He gave us a choice. We can either love and serve Him, doing whats right. Or tear around this planet like a bunch of hooligans setting the dogs on fire.

Because without choice, what is love?

Love is not something that can be forced or bought (unless in the form of chocolate, of course). It has to be given, freely.

This is what our destiny is about. It's in our choices, each day is a new start of our destiny. After all who says you've got tomorrow? Each day you make a choice to love, or you choose yourself, you choose to hang out and try to strangle life out of the air.

Just give it up, let it all go. You can't hold back the wind, anymore than you can wreck your destiny by choosing vanilla over chocolate.

Give God the best you're got and He'll do the rest.

The key is to remember that we aren't robots, He wont just program us in to be perfect little heavenly droids.

So we have to listen to Him, and we have to choose to obey.

Because He is the destiny we want to get to, He is the finish line prize, the one and only that actually matters.

So no more worries over chocolate and vanilla and here's a secret to work that one out-just go for both.

Monday, November 23, 2009


I can't write.

My head is spinning and nothing I say seems to make sense.

So maybe I'll shut up. Take everything in and just watch the world around me for a while.

Life is good, too good to be true for this earth. And I wonder why, as I watch this all unfold, I'm afraid that something is lurking around the corner because how much longer can this high last?

But you know what? Whatever it is, I don't even care, if I have the God who created the universe, who says that 10 thousand on our right side and somewhere around that number on the left-yet He will still be right there beside us.

He is the one calling the shots. It's not because of us, there is nothing we can accomplish without Him. Even breathing.

Have you ever thought about that? You are always breathing, why? What makes that happen? What keeps your heart beating?

Don't even try to tell me it just happens for no reason.

There's a reason, for love. We are so loved, it's just ridiculous.

Ok lets really think here for a second. Why in the world are we here?

Now I want you to think of someone you really, really love, someone you would do anything for, even to the point of death.

Is not that love a reason? Doesn't it make sense, that you could be here for that other person, to love and protect them?

Think of all the times you really love someone, and I'm of course talking about true selfless (non-soap opera) kind of love, this makes sense right? That love didn't just randomly happen, it's for a purpose and it gives you a reason to love, no?

Well where did that love come from? What is love even? The most powerful thing on earth, it's the energy of life itself, and I can say this knowingly because love transcends even death. It's not something that just stops being, there is no darkness great enough to swallow it, nothing strong enough to harness it. Love simply is.

Love is what gives us life.

And now I want you to think about this-do you deserve love?

Before answering, I have this to ask; have you ever sinned against love?

To even act selfishly at all is to act against love, for love is the very essence of selflessness.

No, we do not deserve love, because we sin against it everyday. But by some miracle, we still are here, for some reason love keeps loving us.

Think of how we defile it everyday, not convinced-take a look outside, watch the news, the world is no pretty place.

It's full of corruption and lies and getting worse all the time.

So why, are we still here?

Perhaps it's this realization that we don't deserve it, that it's the grace of love that keeps us here. Perhaps it's to realize that we are being saved, each and everyday from ourselves.

Perhaps it's to reach out to love and say thank you. And then to fall in love with this thing that keeps us here for that reason, to love us, when we finally open up our eyes and see the truth was there all along, patiently waiting for us to choose it.

Love cannot be forced, it has to be a gift and when it is given back to love it self, that is when you realize there is a reason for life, love is the answer. I may sound crazy for saying that, but it's true. Open your eyes, it's scary at first letting go, but when you do, all I can say is it's worth everything.

Monday, November 16, 2009


Screw everything else.

I need you now.

Life is so confusing sometimes.

Why does it have to be so scary outside sometimes?

Why does everything feel so unsure?

Why to do? Who to be?

All I want is You.

You know what, it's times like this where I feel homesick.

I feel like I don't really know where I am, or what I'm doing.

I'm tired, lost and confused.

I know I've got to keep moving but which foot do I put forward first?

Why is it always questions?

And so I look to You. I think of home.

And I ask the most important question of all, how is that possible? That home is someplace I've never been, and all I know is the truly the unknown?

I don't understand you, but that's what I love about you. I can't even begin to wrap my mind around who you are.

All I know, all I'm sure of it is that I love you.

And that is enough.

Thank You

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Nothing like it

Thank you for the rain.

I forgot how much I love it.

I thought I was done with cold weather, had finally turned true California girl...

Well that was all washed away with the amazing joy of the first rain drop that fell on my face.

There's just nothing like looking up into the sky while the rain falls down.

Nothing like the sound it makes as it falls, what even is that?

Nothing like the smell it brings, and leaves after.

Nothing like the air when it rains, you don't just breathe it in-you swallow it in.

It's a rush, yet a calm all at the same time.

Man, I tell you there are some things You have done with the earth that are just so beautiful it blows me away, like sunsets, the ocean, sound of running hoof beats, children laughing, smiles and rain. I had forgot how beautiful it is.

So thank You for bringing it today. :) Feel free to let it come anytime :)

Aren't you glad you now have my permission to bring winter? ;)

Haha this is just crazy. I love you so much basically! I can't wait to be with you! Being outside today on that hike in the morning, coming to the top of the hill and looking out at the sky, just wow.

Home is going to be insane. That's all I can say. :) I'll let the smile take over the rest.

"When you're happy like a fool
Let it take you over
When everything is out
You gotta take it in"

Thursday, November 5, 2009

This is love

You see colors you never knew existed.

You feel like you're walking on air.

You can see the good in the world.

You live for laughter.

And most importantly you always have that goofy smile smeared all over your endlessly happy face.

This is the picture of being in love.

I've been in love like crazy since I realized that I'm living off of a miracle.

This little thing called love is really quite large after all, it's what makes the world go round

When I finally looked up and saw that all of life is miraculous, saw the point of life; to love and be in love.

It's a beautiful thing-being in love with love itself.

It hit me at church in a big way last Sunday, the sermon was over and we were singing praises to God, when I thought, what would this be like in Heaven-like singing right to Him, seeing Him there. When I realized that He is there, He is here, right next to us, inside us.

I know we're taught this as a basic principle as Christians, but sometime, really think about it-He is here with you right now.

Just take it in.

Then all became clear to me-if He's really there, right there, you're going to be so in awe of His love for you that you'll simply have no other choice that to live for Him!! All the confusion of what exact rules you have to obey, which parts of the Bible to listen to, what choices to make in your would all be clear with Him there, wouldn't it?

There could be no room for sin or confusion, because He is the truth and light.

It's opened my eyes, and as cheesy as it sounds, it's opened up a whole new world for me.

I stood there in church singing as this huge silly smile came over my face, you know the one of being perfectly happily in love?

And I felt God smile down at me too.

This is joy. This is love.

It's right there reaching out to you all you have to do is open your eyes.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009


Such a dark word.

What is death? That moment that your heart just stops beating? Is that all?

Why is it so tragic? Why the loss so great?

Is it that we really miss the heart beating? The muscles working to pick up the body and move from place to place?

Is it the speech, or the words?

Is it the body, or the person beneath?

And just how much are the two one whole?

It seems that it's really the body is really only a house that the spirit of the person lives in.

It's a transportation device taking the spirit from place to place.

They say the eyes are the window to the soul.

When you look into someones eye's you know. Yes, there's something more.

More than skin, more than bones. It's who they are.

You loved speaking with them?

Their laugh.

The way they made you feel.

You loved the look in their eyes when they were happy.

How can you tell me that that spirit dies. Tell me that's it's dead.

No, the body is merely gone. The spirit is something eternal.

One look into those eyes and you know.

Who they are, they love that they share will never die.

The question is-where does it go?

If it isn't here anymore, where?

There are theories.



Which one to choose?

I propose love.

Because it is the only thing that can overcome death.

The love someone has can never die, though their body is gone, the love will always be alive and with you.

“You don't have a soul. You are a Soul. You have a body.”-C.S. Lewis

Monday, September 7, 2009


How do you get the most out of 2 minutes and 16 seconds?

How do you make a moment last forever?

Why does time seem to fly by so fast?

I want to catch it and hold on.

Just for a while.

Grab all there is out of a moment and never let it go.

What is yesterday, and where does tomorrow begin?

Is it all in my head, or something out of it all together?

Why so many questions?

I wants answers.

I want the answer.

Searching is fine if finding is involved.

So give me this moment.

Take hold of time.

They say you cant hold back the ocean any more than you could rein in the wind.

But calm the waves. Slow the storm.

Just long enough for me to see the path, to remember what it's like to breathe again.

Don't let the distractions take hold, keep the little things little.

2 minutes 16 seconds is long gone.

But is the moment?

Can it ever end?

Where does one start, end, merge and begin again?

Monday, August 3, 2009

I don't have much time

I don't have much time.

The world spins awful fast these days.

Sometimes, I worry I won't be able to keep up.

I worry that I'll get lost amidst the swirling bits of atmosphere.

Is there a way to slow this all down?

A great big pause button somewhere, why can't i find it?

I'm holding on with all of my might when I realize the key isn't in holding it back

It's in letting go, it's the free falling motion. Energy. Light. Movement.

you can't hold back the wind.

There isn't a dark great enough to keep a light from shinning.

So give in and let go.

Move and be free.

Find peace in the moment.

Love is now.

Yesterday. Gone. Forever but a memory.

Tomorrow is uncertain, undecided, but a hope.

Here is motion, is feeling, is energy.

This is life, but a thought, a perfect expression.

Waves like a spring pouring out of the heart of life.

The heart of life will not be bound by the chains of time

It is remembered by yesterday, loved by now, and hoped for by tomorrow.

I have not time, for I am of life.

And as these chains fall down and life pours forth I realize that death is but a choice.

There is no up nor down.

All is but an allusion, an allusion of choice.

So opt with freedom.

So long time. I just let go.

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Are we there yet?

It's been 6,751 days.

So it's safe to say that I've been waiting for around 6,000 days.

Do you know just how long that is? The past few hundred have been the worst,

the most intense.

At times I thought I found you.

And I learned just how very very wrong I was.

Well I don't know, I may have seen you before, you might be one of my friends, but I haven't found you yet.

And speaking of the finding, can you be the one who does that please?

Come on, it's your job, I'm just gonna sit pretty and wait till you come along, so if you want me, come and find me.

I keep thinking I'm ready, I keep feeling impatient.

I've come to realize that I'm not ready.

I will never be fully ready, but are we ever entirely ready for something?

And if we are going to be ready for something, what should it be?

Well-what's the most important thing in life...

I'm sorry to say-No, it's not you ;) haha

It's the unthinkable.

What happens when we kick it-where you going?

Cause you don't know that day, you don't know how, you don't know why.

(Excuse me to all of you who have been told the day or have magical powers-didn't mean to offend)

Knowing this, is pretty darn important. And if you know what I do about where I'm going, you'll be pretty amazed.

So amazed that you'll see that all else (even you!) doesn't really matter. In fact, I think I could go my whole life without you, just having that hope of someday being made truly whole, being with the one who loves me more than I could ever imagine.

Knowing that I will see Him face to face, talk with Him, see the look of love in His eyes.

It's beyond words.

That's what I'm waiting for

That's where my hope lies.

I mean, you would be cool, but I can wait...what's a few more hundred days, eh?

Monday, April 20, 2009

Thank You

I've been trying to write this for over 8 years.

Time and time again I would set my pen to paper and try to write it out, time and time again it would never be good enough.

Crinkled up papers, throw away.

I could never find the right set of words.

Today, I realized something. There aren't words.

All I have is a smile. That is the best way to capture it.

When I think of all that you have done for me, of all the hardship you put up with. Of all the ridicule, the mockery, of how much you have been taken for granted.

And how time and time again, you took it all with a simple smile of grace.

A smile is all I can offer you.

But know that it is a true smile. It comes from my heart. It's something that I cant stop, because I know that it is true, I know that your honesty is real.

I have been blessed so much more than I deserve, you are one of my greatest blessings.

I wish somehow that I could repay you, but in these 8 years I have learned that there is not word or deed to even come close to what you have given.

In these 8 years, I have learned that all I can give is a heart of gratitude, expressed in a smile.

Thank you.

Saturday, January 24, 2009



When my heart is torn.



Hurt and lost

You find me.

You love me.


I didn't listen.

I chose to turn away.

And you stay by my side.

You know everything

And now you see my tears of shame


You are still hear, You wipe away my tears

Take away all my fears.

I am so undeserving-

Of all but annihilation from You

Yet all you do is call me

Open arms

You love me


Thursday, January 22, 2009


"Don't judge a book by it's cover."
We have all certainly heard this phrase, and have mostly likely admonished someone with it. But what exactly does it mean? "By it's cover," which in referring to a person would be the outward appearance, but does it go further? We can't judge by the cover, but as soon as we open it up, we are suddenly allowed to judge to our hearts desire? No. Do you give the book time, maybe get past the first pages and then make your judgement? When can you trust it? The first pages? First chapters? When will you know the full story? Well, perhaps once you've read till the end. For only then can you have it's full effect. Am I not right? And then if we are to apply this principle to people, how should we change in our judgement? Judgment is a hard word; to assess and make a lasting opinion of someone. Perhaps there is more than the cover, that than the first chapters, perhaps we will strive and wait, for the full story.